You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
