You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
