if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
