i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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