Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
My vagina is officially offended.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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