My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
