I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
COCAINE IS GR8
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
