Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
These 23 People Prove You Don’t Have To Be A 10 To Be Good In Bed
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
21 People That Had The Worst Birthdays Imaginable
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.