smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt