i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I would not recommend douching while drunk.