from now on my penis is your penis
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together