All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
wow bdsm is so cute
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
