It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
