There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
