If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize