True but thats because hes a fetus.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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