Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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