Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
