So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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