I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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