Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
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we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
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we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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