Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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