ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
