To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
