bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
