I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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