fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you