we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Pants are for mortals