just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
