Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
