Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
