My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
