I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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