Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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