I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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