this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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