Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
