I can text with my tongue
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
