He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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