Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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