I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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