they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
