You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
