i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
