Four minutes until I can fart!
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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