Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
