Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
