she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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