just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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