3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
