if i can run in heels then i can drive
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
