So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
