Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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