Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
