i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
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did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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