you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Randomize
