We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
