cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
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