I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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